Testicular Cancer and the causes

Dear Granny D

I recently had a bit of a scare with testicular cancer. I say ‘bit of a scare’ but, the fact is, I was absolutely terrified. When I was first told, I thought there was a real danger that I might actually die from it, and that seemed so unfair being as I have only just left school and have my whole life ahead of me. Fortunately, I have just recently been given the all clear, for the time being at least, but I still have this nagging thought that I was hoping you might be able to help me with, Granny D. Although I have never mentioned this to my Doctor, I wondered if my excessive masturbation could possibly have contributed to the onset of cancer? It sounds ridiculous, I know, but all sorts of stupid things go through your head when the 'C' word is mentioned. I’ve searched on the Internet but can’t find any evidence to support my theory.

Dear Trevor

It sounds to me like you’ve been doing quite a lot of searching on the Internet recently. That aside, I know how we professionals always tend to laugh and joke about testicular cancer, but we also recognise that there is a serious side to it. Had you have read the article I wrote in ‘WTF!’ magazine, titled, ‘Let’s talk bollocks!’ you’d be familiar with some of the misconceptions surrounding testicular cancer. Things like, did I get it because I have a small, wrinkly sack? Could the scabies have caused it? Or, as Colin Naylor from Gosport asked, could it possibly be caused by my girlfriend’s Gingivitis, being as I am always tea-bagging her? Well, you and Colin can both relax because, the fact is, it’s none of these.

Although you don’t actually mention how many times a week you masturbate, I’m guessing that the little fella’s pretty much raw come Sunday morning. Whilst we’re on the subject, you may find that the following site offers some good advice should you require it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetitive_strain_injury

But I digress, the good news is, the two issues aren’t in any way linked. No, in almost every case, the main cause of excessive masturbation is that the end user, so to speak, is borderline ugly, and this can often lead to other issues like low-self-esteem, depression and reclusive behaviour, which then leads to more serious conditions like Schizoid Personality Disorder; I’m afraid that this was the reason I have not been able to supply you with my postal address, Trevor. My mortgage is almost paid off and I could do without being the victim of another Columbine, if you catch my drift.

I know this all sounds a little on the negative side, but don't despair, there is always a way out of these situations. Before it gets completely out of hand, you need to go out and get yourself a woman and a fine bottle of wine; or, failing that, a fine woman and a bottle of chloroform.

With regards the other issue, Trevor, now that you’ve been given the all clear, there’s no need to worry yourself to death. Besides, it’s the next door neighbour, prostate cancer that you ought to be worried about. I don’t remember the exact survival rate figures but they’re not good. I think I read somewhere, possibly in the British Medical Journal, that if one were to drive 100 miles at a constant 60 mph along the M1, and at the end count the all dead bugs on their windscreen, comparably, prostate cancer will have killed more people in the UK than the number of bugs killed on the windscreen during the time it took them to complete the journey. Now, bearing in mind those tests were carried out during the summer months when the air is thick with bugs, that’s the kind of in-depth research one can’t ignore. If you want my advice, lovey, you may as well carry on creaming before the old prostate robs you of the option.

Chin up
Granny D