Striae
Stretch Marks
Dear Granny D
I appear to have one or two stretch marks beginning to appear on my stomach and I am extremely self-conscious about it. I have stopped going to the swimming baths and have just bought an all-in-one swimming costume for when I go to Benidorm later in the year. I feel so embarrassed about my appearance. As it’s such a common problem amongst women of my age, would you say that I’m just being over-sensitive and should stop worrying about what people might think? Or do you think one of those creams might help?
Dear Granny D
I appear to have one or two stretch marks beginning to appear on my stomach and I am extremely self-conscious about it. I have stopped going to the swimming baths and have just bought an all-in-one swimming costume for when I go to Benidorm later in the year. I feel so embarrassed about my appearance. As it’s such a common problem amongst women of my age, would you say that I’m just being over-sensitive and should stop worrying about what people might think? Or do you think one of those creams might help?
.
Dear Dawn
Only one or two? I’ve seen tigers with less stripes than that, hon’. I’ll be honest with you, Sweetie, your guts look like an Artexed ceiling with the light fitting ripped out. No amount of Palmer’s Cocoa Butter is going to make that lot disappear, believe me. I know it’s easy for me to say because I have the skin of a freshly slaughtered piglet, but your best course of action would be to do as the song suggests… accentuate the positive. Let’s face it, with you looking like that, no one’s going to want to mess with Mister In-Between, if you catch my drift. With that in mind, have you considered having your tummy screen-printed? I reckon you could market it as a new retro design or something. Why not? I once knew an obese lass from Newcastle who suffered from excessive hair growth in the nether regions, but instead of whining about it, she shaved the lot off, stuck it to a Beanie, dyed it red and sold it on ebay as a Mick Hucknall wig… accentuating the positive; that’s the answer to alleviating your problem, Dawny.
I also couldn’t help but notice from some of the other photos you sent, that your backside isn’t much better either, the bit just above the thong line. I haven’t seen lines as deep as that since falling flat on my face at the Lyceum Ice Ring. Down at the Health Centre, we call that part of the anatomy, ‘Chav Central’, and it’s particularly bad news as it’s the area a man focuses on when he’s fettling you from behind.
Only one or two? I’ve seen tigers with less stripes than that, hon’. I’ll be honest with you, Sweetie, your guts look like an Artexed ceiling with the light fitting ripped out. No amount of Palmer’s Cocoa Butter is going to make that lot disappear, believe me. I know it’s easy for me to say because I have the skin of a freshly slaughtered piglet, but your best course of action would be to do as the song suggests… accentuate the positive. Let’s face it, with you looking like that, no one’s going to want to mess with Mister In-Between, if you catch my drift. With that in mind, have you considered having your tummy screen-printed? I reckon you could market it as a new retro design or something. Why not? I once knew an obese lass from Newcastle who suffered from excessive hair growth in the nether regions, but instead of whining about it, she shaved the lot off, stuck it to a Beanie, dyed it red and sold it on ebay as a Mick Hucknall wig… accentuating the positive; that’s the answer to alleviating your problem, Dawny.
I also couldn’t help but notice from some of the other photos you sent, that your backside isn’t much better either, the bit just above the thong line. I haven’t seen lines as deep as that since falling flat on my face at the Lyceum Ice Ring. Down at the Health Centre, we call that part of the anatomy, ‘Chav Central’, and it’s particularly bad news as it’s the area a man focuses on when he’s fettling you from behind.
.
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy… what to do? Well, I know I’ve been a bit negative about the creams, but there is one other you could try… Granny D’s Tuppy Restorer. It’s mainly for cystitis and thrush but, in your advanced state, what harm could it do? Incidentally, don’t ask me what’s in it; the Japs were reluctant to tell me; probably whale blubber and coconut milk, it’s anyone’s guess.
It’s available online for the introductory price of £9.99 + £4.50 P&P. I know it sounds A little on the expensive side, but that’s partly down to those thieving bastards at Royal Mail.
All the best
Granny D
PS. And don’t let it go spoiling your holiday. Those Spaniards will shag just about anything that moves.
It’s available online for the introductory price of £9.99 + £4.50 P&P. I know it sounds A little on the expensive side, but that’s partly down to those thieving bastards at Royal Mail.
All the best
Granny D
PS. And don’t let it go spoiling your holiday. Those Spaniards will shag just about anything that moves.
