Flying High... Lance holds aloft a bunch of 'herbal' and the soft toy used to smuggle it to events
Steroids in Sport... A Vicious Cycle
Dear Granny D
As you may be aware, I have recently appeared on a US chat show admitting to using and promoting performance-enhancing drugs. However, although the host is quite well known, I wanted my apology to reach a much wider audience, which is why I have chosen to contact you. I want the world to know how sorry I am for what I have done. I also feel sure that you will treat my, let’s just say, improprieties, with a degree of compassion, bearing in mind that I have managed to survive the big C.
Dear Lance
Stop right there, Soldier! I will not tolerate you using language like that against a fellow celebrity. I admit, in the past, I have been known to refer to the woman as Opeless Winfrey, but YOUR description, albeit abbreviated, is a definite no, no! Anyway, she can be forgiven for putting on a couple of extra pounds; it’s been the best part of 30 years since she did ‘The Color Purple’ and those rice-diets don’t last forever, you know!
Dear Granny D
As you may be aware, I have recently appeared on a US chat show admitting to using and promoting performance-enhancing drugs. However, although the host is quite well known, I wanted my apology to reach a much wider audience, which is why I have chosen to contact you. I want the world to know how sorry I am for what I have done. I also feel sure that you will treat my, let’s just say, improprieties, with a degree of compassion, bearing in mind that I have managed to survive the big C.
Dear Lance
Stop right there, Soldier! I will not tolerate you using language like that against a fellow celebrity. I admit, in the past, I have been known to refer to the woman as Opeless Winfrey, but YOUR description, albeit abbreviated, is a definite no, no! Anyway, she can be forgiven for putting on a couple of extra pounds; it’s been the best part of 30 years since she did ‘The Color Purple’ and those rice-diets don’t last forever, you know!
Oprah... has barely changed in 30 years
As for you, Mr. sympathy-seeker, you’re an absolute disgrace! Ok, testosterone I can live with, cortisone I can sort of understand but, human growth hormone?... I thought you were bigger than that. Needless to say, I shall not be joining your ever-growing band of puppets that have been dancing to your tune for God knows how long. Why? Because I think it’s appalling how you managed to get yourself into such an omnipotent position in order to fulfil your selfish desires; a position where no one dared to even challenge your criminal behaviour for fear that you would crush them like the insects that you perceived them to be. In this country, we call it the ‘Savile Syndrome’.
It’s a crying shame you couldn’t have turned out more like that nice, Bradley Wiggins, chappy, the one with the lamb-chop side-burns. He may look like an inbred hillbilly, but at least he's clean (in the context of drugs, anyway) and he goes to church once in a while.
Now crawl back under your stone and stop leaving messages on my answer-machine; unless, of course, you’re serious about the Publicist’s job.
Granny D
It’s a crying shame you couldn’t have turned out more like that nice, Bradley Wiggins, chappy, the one with the lamb-chop side-burns. He may look like an inbred hillbilly, but at least he's clean (in the context of drugs, anyway) and he goes to church once in a while.
Now crawl back under your stone and stop leaving messages on my answer-machine; unless, of course, you’re serious about the Publicist’s job.
Granny D
King of the road
Bradley Wiggins - Hopes to get a part
in the remake of Deliverance
in the remake of Deliverance
