Richard explains that seeing all that free gin on Tesco's shelf made him think of the tune, '10 green bottles'
RICHARD: Can I start by thanking you for agreeing to this informal video chat, Granny D. I've been going through a bit of a rough patch just recently, and it seems I have no one left to whom I can turn, so to be given the opportunity to speak to an intellect as yourself, and, of course, such a good listener...
GRANNY D: Ricardo... can I interrupt you for a moment? You're going to have to cut to the chase, Sweetie, or we'll be here all bleedin' day, which isn't an option seeing as I have a hair appointment booked for this avo and, if I'm a second late for Marcello, your problems will pale into insignificance, dear, believe me.
RICHARD: Yes, of course, I do apologise. It's just that my career has been in free-fall for the past few years now and, although it's going to be a difficult decision for me to make, I was wondering if you thought it was time for me to finally cast this millstone from around my neck.
GRANNY D: You mean you're thinking of divorcing Judy?
RICHARD: Pardon? No, I meant my image. I thought my long-haired, unshaven appearance might give me the same sex appeal and popularity as someone like...
GRANNY D: Greengrass?
RICHARD: Brad Pitt. Who's greengrass?
GRANNY D: Never mind that. Listen, Ricardo, the fact is, in identifying what you percieve to be the problem, you're overlooking a more obvious one. Like it or not, the British public have long memories, unlike you when you waltzed through the checkouts at Tesco's with a box of soap powder and a bottle of bubbly in your trolley... without flashing the cash, I might add. If that wasn't bad enough, I gather you did a double take with a trolley load of wine and gin as well. No wonder you managed to convince the judge it was down to lapses of memory, you were probably pissed out of your tree most of the time. It's just a shame you didn't include a few anti-wrinkle products on your shopping list too, as I'm sure Judy could have put them to good use.
RICHARD: This is what I mean! That was back in 1994, and I was acquitted of all charges. Why does everyone remember me for that? It'd make a welcome change if people talked about the some of the good things that I've done on television instead of the mistakes I've made off it.
GRANNY D: What, you mean like the million pound phone scam on 'You Say, We Pay'. You'd might have at least had the decency to point out that the 'we' referred to the general public.
RICHARD: Look, I'm sorry but I don't think you're being very helpful. It seems you're only serving to remind people of a few lousy groceries that I just happened to forget about paying for, and scamming Joe Public out of a couple of measly quid. Anyway, this was daytime TV for God's sake, most of them were sat at home on their fat, lazy, work-shy arses eating left-over pizza and drinking flat Special Brew at 9 o'clock in a morning; so what the hell were they doing dialling premium rate numbers for in the first place?!
GRANNY D: Ricardo... can I interrupt you for a moment? You're going to have to cut to the chase, Sweetie, or we'll be here all bleedin' day, which isn't an option seeing as I have a hair appointment booked for this avo and, if I'm a second late for Marcello, your problems will pale into insignificance, dear, believe me.
RICHARD: Yes, of course, I do apologise. It's just that my career has been in free-fall for the past few years now and, although it's going to be a difficult decision for me to make, I was wondering if you thought it was time for me to finally cast this millstone from around my neck.
GRANNY D: You mean you're thinking of divorcing Judy?
RICHARD: Pardon? No, I meant my image. I thought my long-haired, unshaven appearance might give me the same sex appeal and popularity as someone like...
GRANNY D: Greengrass?
RICHARD: Brad Pitt. Who's greengrass?
GRANNY D: Never mind that. Listen, Ricardo, the fact is, in identifying what you percieve to be the problem, you're overlooking a more obvious one. Like it or not, the British public have long memories, unlike you when you waltzed through the checkouts at Tesco's with a box of soap powder and a bottle of bubbly in your trolley... without flashing the cash, I might add. If that wasn't bad enough, I gather you did a double take with a trolley load of wine and gin as well. No wonder you managed to convince the judge it was down to lapses of memory, you were probably pissed out of your tree most of the time. It's just a shame you didn't include a few anti-wrinkle products on your shopping list too, as I'm sure Judy could have put them to good use.
RICHARD: This is what I mean! That was back in 1994, and I was acquitted of all charges. Why does everyone remember me for that? It'd make a welcome change if people talked about the some of the good things that I've done on television instead of the mistakes I've made off it.
GRANNY D: What, you mean like the million pound phone scam on 'You Say, We Pay'. You'd might have at least had the decency to point out that the 'we' referred to the general public.
RICHARD: Look, I'm sorry but I don't think you're being very helpful. It seems you're only serving to remind people of a few lousy groceries that I just happened to forget about paying for, and scamming Joe Public out of a couple of measly quid. Anyway, this was daytime TV for God's sake, most of them were sat at home on their fat, lazy, work-shy arses eating left-over pizza and drinking flat Special Brew at 9 o'clock in a morning; so what the hell were they doing dialling premium rate numbers for in the first place?!
Life doesn't get much better than this... Richard & Judy TV makes you feel good about yourself
GRANNY D: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it those work-shy arses that paid for Judy's diamond crucifix from Tiffany?
RICHARD: Now you're just trying to twist things around. Look, I'm not trying to disrespect people; I'm merely doing my best to accept the situation for what it is and move on. What more can I do?
GRANNY D: You can start by accepting that you were never more than a poor man's Jonathan Ross. Listen, Hon', to get back on track, you're right to think of changing your appearance. Just watching you with that fake, cheesy grin, sliding about on the 'This Morning' sofa in your shiny suits and open-neck shirts, it was enough to put anyone off their breakfast cereal. I don't know whether you noticed, but when you and Judy quit breakfast TV, obesity levels in Britain immediately went through the roof. That wasn't just down to a lack of exercise, Ricardo, it was a sign that people were getting their apetites back.
RICHARD: Ok, let's say I were to accept that my popularity had been waning for some time; looking at it from a positive perspective, what do you suggest I should do to climb the ladder of fame again?
GRANNY D: Unfortunately for you, it'd be easier to raise the Titanic than your profile. Besides, if I did possess a magic formula that could somehow catapult you back into the TV listings, it would be like covering myself in boot polish and joining the EDL. Only a complete mug would consider helping you to get back on the box again. Let's face it, you're like an old bottle of brown sauce at the back of the kitchen cupboard; too crusty around the rim to be appealing and, in any case, it's cheap enough to be replaced with a fresh bottle.
RICHARD: I don't believe you're saying this. I asked for this meeting because I thought you were the one person that could inspire me, yet It sounds like you want me to give up my dream altogether. At the end of the day, I'm no different to Noel Edmonds, and he managed to revive his career after years in the broadcasting wilderness.
GRANNY D: And that's a good thing, right? Look, I'm only being cruel to be kind, Sweetie. Noel Edmonds spent years perfecting insincerity to the point where he has become a difinitive of the word, 'Slime'; and very few celebs have achieved such status, Robert Kilroy-Silk being the daddy of course. You, on the other hand, Rich, tried to be too subtle. It's like you became a closet Wensleydale. It doesn't matter what wrapper it comes in, it's a cheese by any other name. Whereas Edmonds and Kilroy-Silk became known as the kings of cheese, the great British public labelled you, 'the twat in a shiny suit'.
RICHARD: Now you're just trying to twist things around. Look, I'm not trying to disrespect people; I'm merely doing my best to accept the situation for what it is and move on. What more can I do?
GRANNY D: You can start by accepting that you were never more than a poor man's Jonathan Ross. Listen, Hon', to get back on track, you're right to think of changing your appearance. Just watching you with that fake, cheesy grin, sliding about on the 'This Morning' sofa in your shiny suits and open-neck shirts, it was enough to put anyone off their breakfast cereal. I don't know whether you noticed, but when you and Judy quit breakfast TV, obesity levels in Britain immediately went through the roof. That wasn't just down to a lack of exercise, Ricardo, it was a sign that people were getting their apetites back.
RICHARD: Ok, let's say I were to accept that my popularity had been waning for some time; looking at it from a positive perspective, what do you suggest I should do to climb the ladder of fame again?
GRANNY D: Unfortunately for you, it'd be easier to raise the Titanic than your profile. Besides, if I did possess a magic formula that could somehow catapult you back into the TV listings, it would be like covering myself in boot polish and joining the EDL. Only a complete mug would consider helping you to get back on the box again. Let's face it, you're like an old bottle of brown sauce at the back of the kitchen cupboard; too crusty around the rim to be appealing and, in any case, it's cheap enough to be replaced with a fresh bottle.
RICHARD: I don't believe you're saying this. I asked for this meeting because I thought you were the one person that could inspire me, yet It sounds like you want me to give up my dream altogether. At the end of the day, I'm no different to Noel Edmonds, and he managed to revive his career after years in the broadcasting wilderness.
GRANNY D: And that's a good thing, right? Look, I'm only being cruel to be kind, Sweetie. Noel Edmonds spent years perfecting insincerity to the point where he has become a difinitive of the word, 'Slime'; and very few celebs have achieved such status, Robert Kilroy-Silk being the daddy of course. You, on the other hand, Rich, tried to be too subtle. It's like you became a closet Wensleydale. It doesn't matter what wrapper it comes in, it's a cheese by any other name. Whereas Edmonds and Kilroy-Silk became known as the kings of cheese, the great British public labelled you, 'the twat in a shiny suit'.
Sensuous lady... copious amounts of gin has resulted in Judy losing the use of her lips
RICHARD: You know what, I've had enough of this interview. If I need career advice, I'll ask the one person who really knows my worth... my beautiful wife, Judy. She knows how to look good on TV, so she'll know what's best for me.
GRANNY D: Yeah, good luck with that.
GRANNY D: Yeah, good luck with that.
