THE LITERARY WORLD OF THOMAS DADE
  • Home
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    • New Year’s Eve
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    • Calypso
    • The Forlorn Stakes
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    • Poppy (in memoriam)
    • The Shoot
    • Glassy-eyed bitch!
    • What Emma Said
    • Religious Beliefs
    • Shrimp Breakfast
    • God's Gift
    • Courtroom Drama
    • Summer Days
    • My Dear Old Mum
    • Night of the Predator
    • Asa Wilde (84 years young)
    • Christmas Values
    • Remembrance Day
    • The Hills of Home
    • Gutter Currency
    • Proms
    • Tot
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  • Humorous
    • The Job Centre Blues
    • The Patron Saint of Solicitors
    • Sad Tale of the Kimble Frish
    • The Greatest Show On Earth
    • Farmyard Friends
    • Cookin' Up The Amazon
    • The Undertaker's Anthem
    • Pink, Punk, Fizz!
    • The Tradesman
    • When Adolf came o’er t' Yorkshire - (Dialect)
  • Short Stories
    • A Life, Retrospective
    • Room 126
    • A Bizarre Love Story
    • An Evening With Bonnie
    • Joyce's Story
    • Different Perspectives - Care Homes
  • Dilemmas
  • Contact
  • Granny D - Agony Aunt
    • Steroids in Sport – A Vicious Cycle
    • Autagonistophilia – Emma, Bruce and Demi too!
    • Legal Advice for Oscar Pistorius
    • Drug Abuse - Anyone for Charlie?
    • Hybristophilia
    • Chris Huhne from HMP Wandsworth
    • POPE Thanks Granny D
    • Necrophilia - Fifty Shades of Grey
    • Voyeurism
    • Alcohol Abuse - Binge Drinking
    • Striae - Stretch Marks
    • Autassassinophilia
    • Richard Madeley On Skype
    • Savile, Glitter & Starr?
    • Homosexuality
    • Phobias
    • Impotence - Erectile Dysfunction
    • Testicular Cancer
    • Cross-dressing – Does size matter?
    • Letter to Auntie Kath
    • Granny D's WaterAid Appeal
    • Swingers and Swappers
    • Letter from Her Majesty
    • Neophobia
    • Telephone Scatologia
    • FGM
    • Ataxophobia
  • Restaurant Reviews
    • Generous Pioneer, Ilkley
    • Fazenda, Leeds
    • Amici Ristorante, Keighley
    • Balti House, Keighley
    • The Toby Carvery, Keighley
    • Banny's Fish & Chip Restaurant, Colne
    • Kingfisher Restaurant, Cross Hills
    • Ivy Palace Cantonese, Colne
    • Mother Hubbards, Scarborough
    • Princess Cafe, Scarborough
    • Welcome Inne, Scarborough
    • Leeds Fisheries, Scarborough
  • Feature Length Screenplays
    • You're Not Singing, Eddie Moore - Psychological Thriller
    • the summer of alex white - Romantic Comedy
    • The Grey Room - Psychological Thriller
    • That's Show Business! Comedy
    • The Eartly World of Francis Wick - Comedy
    • On The Slyde - Comedy
  • Six-part Screenplays
    • You're Not Singing, Eddie Moore - Comedy
    • Mardy & Son - Dark Comedy
    • STARS - Comedy
    • Amazing Grace - Comedy
  • Radio Scripts
    • Belvedere Trent - The Circles of Suburbia - Comedy
  • Credits
    • Good for the gander
Autassassinophilia

(Letter received mid-August 2012)

Dear Granny D

As strange as it may sound, I get aroused by being in life-threatening situations. I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not. All I do know is that I get the urge to place myself in mortal danger more and more frequently these days, and it usually ends up with me covering myself in albino custard. Of course, there is usually a moment or two during the act where I realise how much danger I’m actually in but, by then, I’m only a short bus-ride from Utopia, so to speak. Do you think I need to see a shrink, or what?!


(Reply sent end of August 2012)

Dear Derek

Unfortunately, you haven’t described the kind of situations that bring on these moments of pleasure. Are we talking bungee-jumping or going to a parents evening dressed as Jimmy Savile? Try and elaborate, Sweetie.


(Letter received mid-December 2012)

Dear Granny D

Sorry I haven’t been in touch for a while. I have been laid up in hospital after almost suffocating to death during one of my ‘moments of self-gratification’. After reading about the former MP for Eastleigh, Stephen Milligan, I thought I’d give asphyxiophilia a bash. So I dug out a bit of old guy-rope from my boy scouting days, a Satsuma that was lying in the bottom of the fridge, and a Morrison’s carrier bag. Although I wasn’t entirely sure what purpose the Satsuma filled, I stuck it in my mouth anyway on the reasoning that, should I get stuck for any length of time, at least I wouldn’t starve to death. Unfortunately, I had overlooked the fact that a lack of oxygen might also cause the odd problem.  Luckily for me, my next door neighbor, Irish Jim, came round to borrow my hammer drill and found my bound, semi-naked body lying prostrate on the kitchen floor. After a lengthy period in hospital being treated for post-traumatic stress, Jim is now on the way to making a full recovery. Just in case you were wondering, there was certainly no cock vomit on this occasion.



(Reply sent Mid-December 2012)

Dear Derek

Quite simply, you are an adrenaline junkie with a twist. Jack Osbourne was exactly the same, though I don’t think he offloaded his Jiffy Pop whilst running with the bulls in Pamplona, at least not on camera anyway. Whilst you might expect me to advise you to stop risking your neck for the sole purpose of letting off steam, I’m not going to do that. Why? There’s an old proverb that’s goes something along the lines of, ‘It is better to have lived one day as a tiger than a thousand years as a sheep.’ You, Derek, are THAT tiger, and don’t you forget it! Now go out and show the world your masculinity (not literally, of course), but I won’t rest until I feel assured that your sack is as empty as Santa’s on Boxing Day.

All the best
Granny D


Derek Arthur Lonsdale - 16th June 1988 to 22nd December 2012 – Taken from us whilst playing chicken with the 11.00 Santa Special from Leeming Bar to Redmire. Laid to rest in Leeming Bar, Bedale, Finghall & Leyburn.
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