Autagonistophilia
Emma, Bruce and Demi too!
Dear Granny D
I know you’re usually too busy to respond to my letters and emails but, please, please, please, could you spare just a few moments of your valuable time to tell me what you think about my latest movie, ‘Die Hard 5 – A good day to die hard’.
In case you haven’t had time to watch the screener I sent, it’s about John McClane who travels to Russia to help out his seemingly wayward son, Jack, only to discover that Jack is a CIA operative working to prevent a nuclear-weapons heist, causing the father and son to team up against underworld forces.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet but I really rolled back the years for this one. I bet Stallone and Schwarzenegger are having their incontinence pads changed even as we speak. If it goes to prove just one thing, Granny D, it’s that I always was, and always will be, the number one, all-American Action Hero.
By the way, if you would like me to send you one of the autographed vests I wore in the film, you only have to ask.
Dear Bruce
Never mind blowing your own trumpet, Sweetie, it sounds like you’re in charge of the whole brass section. As for you being the all-AMERICAN hero, it’s my understanding that you were born in Idar-Oberstein, which is about as American as a salad sandwich.
Looky here, Bruce, as you know, I don’t normally comment on films; I’m more at home with genital warts and arthritis than movies. Having said that, I guess there’s every chance that you yourself have experienced both of those conditions over the past few years. However, I can’t fault your persistence so here goes…
To begin with, did you really have to use that cheesy title yet again? It sounds like a Welsh porn movie, for goodness sake. Secondly, I think I’ll pass on the vest offer if it’s all the same to you. It didn’t go unnoticed that you’re still wearing those same old blood-stained, oil-stained, torn-to-bits vests as you did in the previous four Die Hards. Whilst they may well be an ebayers dream in the short term, the minute you’re admitted to the Hollywood Nursing Home, you’ll be churning them out by the dozen, albeit with tomato soup and gravy stain substitutes.
Dear Granny D
I know you’re usually too busy to respond to my letters and emails but, please, please, please, could you spare just a few moments of your valuable time to tell me what you think about my latest movie, ‘Die Hard 5 – A good day to die hard’.
In case you haven’t had time to watch the screener I sent, it’s about John McClane who travels to Russia to help out his seemingly wayward son, Jack, only to discover that Jack is a CIA operative working to prevent a nuclear-weapons heist, causing the father and son to team up against underworld forces.
I don’t want it to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet but I really rolled back the years for this one. I bet Stallone and Schwarzenegger are having their incontinence pads changed even as we speak. If it goes to prove just one thing, Granny D, it’s that I always was, and always will be, the number one, all-American Action Hero.
By the way, if you would like me to send you one of the autographed vests I wore in the film, you only have to ask.
Dear Bruce
Never mind blowing your own trumpet, Sweetie, it sounds like you’re in charge of the whole brass section. As for you being the all-AMERICAN hero, it’s my understanding that you were born in Idar-Oberstein, which is about as American as a salad sandwich.
Looky here, Bruce, as you know, I don’t normally comment on films; I’m more at home with genital warts and arthritis than movies. Having said that, I guess there’s every chance that you yourself have experienced both of those conditions over the past few years. However, I can’t fault your persistence so here goes…
To begin with, did you really have to use that cheesy title yet again? It sounds like a Welsh porn movie, for goodness sake. Secondly, I think I’ll pass on the vest offer if it’s all the same to you. It didn’t go unnoticed that you’re still wearing those same old blood-stained, oil-stained, torn-to-bits vests as you did in the previous four Die Hards. Whilst they may well be an ebayers dream in the short term, the minute you’re admitted to the Hollywood Nursing Home, you’ll be churning them out by the dozen, albeit with tomato soup and gravy stain substitutes.
Sixth Sense - Bruce & wife, Emma. With his eyesight now failing, Willis has to find his wife using the power of smell
As for the film itself, why couldn’t you be a little more like that David Jason and stick to something that isn’t quite as challenging for a man of advancing years. David was obviously astute enough to bide his time until ‘A Touch of Frost’ came along; then all he had to do was don a trilby and dominate prime time TV in the safe role of a poor man’s Bergerac. It cuts down the risk of a heart attack and provides a better return than a Sun Life pension scheme. You don’t see David running up and down the high street with a Magnum strapped to his chest and threatening people in a deranged, laryngitic tone; no, he gets his convictions with a casual amble up the footpath and a raised eyebrow. Still, you’ve made your choice, Brucie, I guess you’ll have to live with it; which leads me rather nicely to another subject you previously asked for my advice on.
Demi - the Willis years have taken their toll. As her name suggests, she is half the woman she was
Strangely enough, I was looking back through the 26 letters you have sent to me over the past 15 years or so, and came across the very first one you wrote in the summer of 98 asking my advice on what you should do about your then wife, Demi. What happened was, I got your letter mixed up with the one intended for Dennis Rodman. So when I replied saying, divorce the bitch as soon as…, I was referring to Carmen Electra. Laugh? I almost pissed myself when I realised the mistake. Still, you’ve managed to move on now and Emma doesn’t look too bad a swap in all honesty.
Sorry to disappoint, Bruce, but your maverick days are little more than a memory. My advice to you is, get in touch with your Agent and tell him to keep an eye out for when the movie moguls do a remake of ‘On Golden Pond’.
Yippee ki ya
Granny D
Sorry to disappoint, Bruce, but your maverick days are little more than a memory. My advice to you is, get in touch with your Agent and tell him to keep an eye out for when the movie moguls do a remake of ‘On Golden Pond’.
Yippee ki ya
Granny D
